A = Adult — Awareness — Appreciation
B = Breathe (into Belly) — Be
C = Connect — Compassion (between you and others OR you with yourself)

ABC = P (PRESENCE)

Appreciate anything through your five senses; or physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually. The space of appreciation is all you're shooting for.

When you're in your own PRESENCE (meaning you're in touch with the moment or your ESSENCE-SOURCE-SPIRIT-MAGNIFICENCE-VAST SPACIOUS SELF) you can help your beloved from the constraints of his/her personality. This can ONLY happen when you get out of your own reptilian old brain, your unconsciousness, ego fixation, toddler self, suffering, disconnection and/or conditioned positioning in the past or future. When you're here, your beloved can connect, be present and get herself/himself here.

You can promise your beloved that you will help get yourself out of your own reptilian brain (Enneagram Type, ego fixation) to be able to help connect to your beloved. You have to OWN WHAT OWNS YOU. As a team, you're connected and able to be in love rather than fear. In your ego fixation, you are in fear or threat rather than love. This is the purpose of the ego: disconnect to survive because connection is dangerous - you could get hurt or abandoned.

Your style (your reptilian brain response) of reacting to any kind of threat in the environment might be to flee, fight or freeze. If you notice you're doing this, it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to rescue yourself through ABC and get yourself back into connection through generating PRESENCE. If your beloved sees you're gone (into fear), it is their responsibility (out of their commitment to keeping you safe and secure) to get you back through love, connection, PRESENCE.

The non-reactivated person is responsible to reduce the reactivated person simply out of her/his commitment to be protective and nurturing. Otherwise, provoking more conflict/distance is only another level of disconnection and abandonment caused by the unconscious automatic behavior causing you to be right smack in the middle of your personality:

Emotional Types

• Emotionally manipulative/self-sacrificing/overly care taking (#2)
• Insecurely performing/artificially fabricating superiority/deceitful (#3)
• Overly sensitive/requiring special treatment/over-dramatizing (#4)

Mind Types

• Appearing smarter/non-emotional/more logical (#5)
• Obstinately mistrusting /self-protective/catastrophically pessimistic (#6)
• Emotionally aloof/hedonistically escapist/preoccupied with distraction (#7)

Body Types

• Denying vulnerability/overtly aggressive/commanding dominance (#8)
• Feigning calm/avoiding conflict/emotionally controlling to keep the peace (#9)
• Self-righteous/positioning to appear more morally correct/self-constraining (#1)

The BUBBLE

When we are committed to staying securely attached — in the couple bubble — we vow to help each other move out of the grips of fear (which manifests as a variety of constrictive emotions), rather than cause it.

Basically, this is the very nature of the couple bubble: to stay out of personality and in presence. It is designed by agreements and kept in place by commitment and integrity. This nearly always is the way of being that you maintained during the honeymoon phase of your relationship. Remember when your beloved's well being and mood-physical/emotional state was of utmost importance to you and you would extend yourself to care for him/her? At that point, you were in the bubble!

Using ABC is also helpful with yourself, on your own, and before/during/while you're reactivated to self-regulate. Of course ABC is useful to co-regulate. However, the better you get at self-regulating, the faster and better you are at co-regulating. Practice, practice, practice.

 How quickly can you return yourself to ADULT when you have engaged in a disagreement, power struggle or misunderstanding with your beloved?

Whoever has the awareness that an ADULT is needed in an emotional situation is responsible for leading — and that may be you. One millisecond of awareness/consciousness can be your Call to Action that could turn around the situation for the better.

The ABC Process (see Blog Post 7-27-19)

Use The ABC Process to regain a sense of your influence, the importance of you leading your couple back to connection, and the power of your compassion and empathy to get you both out of trouble. This is a valiant act.

It is a choice to remain locked down in a disconnection, driven by your personality. In contrast, you score big by taking the higher ground and leading you both out of disconnection with velocity. Remember, it’s essential to lead with empathy and compassion; if you lead with your personality, you will likely fail.

Where the Rubber Meets the Road to Recovery
from Disconnection/Disagreement/
Arguing/Blaming/Shaming ...

Verbal Expression Possibilities
(Helps to declare a breakdown first.)

1. I’m so sorry I didn’t do “x, y or z,” or keep my word. I imagine you feel: mad, sad, scared or hurt. I realize that I forgot, I neglected to, I was reactivated, I was passive-aggressive or I was outright resistive. Will you please forgive me? (listen for an answer)
2. I’m sorry I “stepped on your toes.” (then express empathy) I know how much it hurts; I didn’t mean to hurt you. Will you forgive me? (wait for an answer). Thank you for that gift. I will be more careful, attentive or respectful.
3. Is there anything I could do to make up for it?
4. Would you like me to listen to how you feel or what you think?
5. I admit I was at fault. I regret ... , and/or I’ll pay more attention in the future.
6. Is there anything you might feel you want to apologize for?
7. I’d like you to apologize for neglecting, for being overtly offensive, for going unconscious.
8. Would you be willing to agree to disagree?
9. We need to elevate ourselves, be more conscious, in order to be more connected again, rather than at odds. Will you please help us?

Physical Expression Possibilities

1.  Use a gentle touch to calm, connect, reassure.
2. Get close enough to connect by gazing caringly into your beloved’s eyes.
3. Ask if a walk together might be acceptable and hold hands.
4. Bring a glass of water.
5. Sit closely to/with your beloved.

Tips for Quickly Recognizing the Need to Lead
Be an adult; it might be your fault.

1. Beware of pitfalls, booby traps, ruminating about past upsets. Stay focused on the present disconnection as that is needed.
2. Be more conscious: drop defensiveness, denial, isolation, repression, projection, rationalization, justification, righteousness and/or avoidance.
3. Avert desire to flee, fight or freeze.
4. Start thinking about protecting your beloved instead of being determined to win.
5. Stop neglecting the cues of what is happening for your beloved. Start being part of the solution, rather than perpetuating the problem.

Ultimately, remind your beloved of the power of your deep connection.

Remind her/him of their own magnificence; your beloved has likely forgotten who s/he is. Put your beloved in touch with what he or she values about themselves by asking questions that require them think of their own strength or skill. This is often a powerful way to acknowledge what we appreciate about ourselves rather than having our beloved tell us, which we can easily reject.